I ask you this; How in the name of natural science did my urban vegetable garden in the picturesque hamlet of Waiuku produce such a splendid spectacle of virility as this magnificent Kumara.
I've been told the land was fertile but this has redefined the term.
Just look at the unecessary level of detail that nature went to... Why does it have veins? Why the graceful curvature? What ungodly power does this pulsating purple war hammer hold within it's rigid core? Who placed it in my soil? Odin himself??
Is the great architect now sitting back in their chair proudly admiring their work with the satisfied smile of a 13 year old kid who has just mastered the art of phallic drawing in the back of their maths book?
Whole civilisations of idol worshippers have probably sprung up in humankind's history for less provoking natural wonders than this Kumara.
If this was dug up in the mountains of ancient Peru it would be heralded as a sign of great fertility and prosperity for the coming seasons and would be hauled to the summit of a mountain by a hoard of devoted adorers to be sacrificed to the rising sun.
If you gave Michelangelo a bar of modelling clay and challenged him to come up with the most vulgar phallic representation of male genitalia that he possibly could, he would throw down his tools in despair if he saw what my Kumara patch just produced.
If his David statue had half the potency of this monstrous demon it wouldn't be on public display today & Goliath would have backed out of the fight real early on.
If you buy this Kumara you are not simply buying a Kumara. You are buying prosperity itself. You are buying a wonder of the natural world & a pinnacle of botanic evolution.
I believe I have been gifted this botanic beast for a reason so am auctioning it off. Every dollar of this auction will go to the Prostate Cancer Foundation of New Zealand to help with their work. One day you or someone you know may need them.
Shipping & pick-up options
|Destination & description||Price|
|To be arranged||N/A|
|Pick-up available from Franklin, Auckland||Free|
This seller is located in Franklin, Auckland
|Seller accepts||Cash, NZ Bank Deposit|
Questions & Answers (142)
Whoops, off to a good start, sorry I removed a couple of bids by mistake, my apologies. My fingers look like the Kumera. Seller comment Thursday, 11 April 2019 Kumera, Kumara or Kūmara? Seems there's alternative spellings... maybe this needs to spur a robust national debate? Seller comment Thursday, 11 April 2019 When was it dug up? Any unusual happenings at home or in Waiuku since? brownmoose(101• 05:37 am, Thu, 11 Apr ) The unearthing event was the 9th of April at 3:50pm. It was a defining moment. As the beast was unveiled from the earth the sky darkened and a thunderclap rolled over head. Many strange things happen in Waiuku. mikew4(277• Thursday, 11 April 2019 ) Length of this wonderous Thor Hammer? altezzagod(638• 01:30 pm, Thu, 11 Apr ) Now the measuring of an appendage like this is a controversial subject. The method must be carefully considered. Are we talking overall length including the twin tuberosities or are we talking base to business end? mikew4(277• Thursday, 11 April 2019 ) Did you find any other bones in the virginity of this Kumora? brownmoose(101• 08:30 pm, Thu, 11 Apr ) Judging by the battle scars, I don't think this old sire has any virginity left at all. It looks like one of Sean Fitzpatrick's ears has bred with a giant's finger. mikew4(277• Thursday, 11 April 2019 ) I see the reserve is met. If the sale falls through would you consider hiring this item out short term? maffeyl(126• 08:51 pm, Thu, 11 Apr ) What service were you thinking of hiring it for? It would make a great bouncer at a wedding reception. Inappropriate birthday party entertainment for the children perhaps? Or maybe just someone to cuddle and talk to on these cold autumn nights... mikew4(277• Thursday, 11 April 2019 ) Seller added 2 photos Seller comment Thursday, 11 April 2019 I've added a new photo to show how this little guy could provide fun for all the family. If only Hasbro had thought of it..... Seller comment Thursday, 11 April 2019 Could you tell me about the longevity of this item toki1sefi(66• 10:40 am, Fri, 12 Apr ) If kept out of the light it should continue to provide 2-3 months of entertainment. Just don't feed it after midnight or it might multiply. One of these monstrosities should be enough for any person. mikew4(277• Friday, 12 April 2019 ) Hmm so Could this be worth ! Million Dollars???? kelly776896(107• 06:32 pm, Fri, 12 Apr ) How can you put a value on such awesome power. Nations have gone to war over less. I think they should bring Indiana Jones back for one last round. "Indiana Jones and the Purple Veiny Leviathan" Has a good ring to it. mikew4(277• Friday, 12 April 2019 ) You are a true poet- what a legend! Has it been lady driven?Has it had any accidents that would interfere with general operation? kiwilukey1(124• 10:23 pm, Fri, 12 Apr ) Ha ha well there's for sure a few deformities but it just adds character. I do think it's funny that by default the auction says condition: Used. I can assure you it's not used. Yet. mikew4(277• Friday, 12 April 2019 ) Only in wai kuku I bet it’s family had 6 fingers and toes to!!! crazy_kiwi1(155• 06:38 am, Sat, 13 Apr ) Ah I see you have confused Waikuku with Waiuku. Waiuku is a thriving community famous for its rainbow factory and unicorn farms & often fondly referred to by its cheerful inhabitants as the 'Riviera of Auckland'. Waikuku on the other hand....um....it has a Z station? mikew4(277• Saturday, 13 April 2019 ) Hi if I won action, could you please put it in gift box and wrap it well? My vegan girl friend will love to take it. mikeyang1(497• 08:52 am, Sat, 13 Apr ) I'm not so sure that she would. It's more meat than vegetable. That would be like gifting a vegan a whole eye fillet. mikew4(277• Saturday, 13 April 2019 ) Does it have any history of illness? ie has it ever had a stroke or been bed ridden? Is it of good natured character? ( i would hate to buy it only to find it was too stuck-up and wouldn't fit in). i vaguely recall his uncle's performance at a Royal Comedy Performance..... Flacido Domingo...he went on to do "standup". redcookie(58• 09:43 am, Sat, 13 Apr ) Well there's certainly a few lumps here and there but quite sure they are benign. Yes it has bed bed ridden, deeply, right in the middle of the Kumara bed. Flaccido wasn't actually a blood uncle he was one of those family friends affectionately referred to as Uncle. Except he was sometimes a bit too affectionate. "Be careful around Uncle Flaccido, he's a little bit funny" mikew4(277• Saturday, 13 April 2019 ) I take it hasn't been used? jayj5150(0• 03:14 pm, Sat, 13 Apr ) Not as of yet. Got a few ideas for uses bouncing about though just saying... When listing the action I was given two options: 1. Used 2. New and in perfect condition supplied with original packaging. I figured since it was originally packaged in dirt that option 1 was more applicable. mikew4(277• Saturday, 13 April 2019 ) Any idea what these Kumara tastes like? Or do they all tastes the same? jayj5150(0• 03:22 pm, Sat, 13 Apr ) We can probably all learn a thing or two from Kumera. No matter if they are small and thin or thick and choady, purple & veiny or smooth and brown, they all taste the same on the inside. Unless of course they're rotton. mikew4(277• Saturday, 13 April 2019 ) I wondered if’s you would gift wrap for Israel Folau or do you think he would be offended by yet another of God’s aka Nature’s creations? orchid68(72• 05:34 pm, Sat, 13 Apr ) Well it's up for debate who's God is responsible for this so it could go either way. It looks like something that would be more at home in the Mara Kannon Shrine, in Japan than the Vatican (especially since the Vatican knocked all the knobs off their statues). mikew4(277• Saturday, 13 April 2019 ) Does it have a smooth feel to it or is it a bit woody. One must give a Kumara a good going over. It can be very disappointing if it’s all wood and nothing tasty inside once peeled jahari(169• 06:50 pm, Sat, 13 Apr ) It's definitely going to be a challenge to peel. Not for a novice. I'm not sure if it would be satisfying or uncomfortable to peel having never peeled a veiny phallus before. Definitely uncomfortable if you maintained stone faced eye contact with someone whilst slowly peeling it. Definitely satisfying if you imagined it belonged to someone you dislike. mikew4(277• Saturday, 13 April 2019 ) If I win the auction I’ll just be using this on my self :) rx7_rs(93• 03:12 am, Sun, 14 Apr ) That's just selfish. It would be a shame not to share a bounty like this with guests. There's plenty to go around. Can you imagine the look on their faces as you lift the cover off the serving dish? mikew4(277• Sunday, 14 April 2019 ) I don't want this to sell!!! When it sells all of the above comments will be lost forever... I'm relying on this handsome specimen for my morning chuckle!!! Love you, your kumara and your omnipotent followers... 🤓 Best of luck though, worthy cause... ladyicewolf(17• 11:41 am, Sun, 14 Apr ) Think of it as a form of performance art, (not interpretive dance though, please don't compare it to that). enjoy while you can, once it's over it's over! mikew4(277• Sunday, 14 April 2019 ) It’s not selfish it still be moist on the inside after I’m done with it rx7_rs(93• 03:50 pm, Sun, 14 Apr ) It's a fine balance regulating moisture to avoid drying out but not allowing damp rot & fungus to set in. Best bet is a box in a well ventilated but cool & dark area. mikew4(277• Sunday, 14 April 2019 ) Ok so this is a bit of harmless fun and most questions, as dirty as they are, I can deal with but some are just grim and too explicit for me to turn into something innocuous. Let's at least try to lean this toward the PG end of the scale if we can. I don't know what the line is but if your question has gone unanswered for a day it's probably crossed that line! Thanks for stopping by, enjoy! Seller comment Sunday, 14 April 2019 Hi. Have you got any regular, non wanga, Kumera for sale? dawson19(61• 06:47 pm, Sun, 14 Apr ) No way, I'm preparing for the long winter. With Auckland's expansion fast approaching Waiuku's boundaries us Waiukuians need to ensure our fighting folk are well fed and fattened or we'll never survive. (We're obviously never going to ally with Pukekohe, they're already lost to the darkness and there's no saving them) mikew4(277• Sunday, 14 April 2019 ) Does it come with a Peter heater for the cold winter nights sitting in the bottom of the pantry? naughtypaws(216• 07:48 pm, Sun, 14 Apr ) An Ugh Boot or a very large sock or childs sleeping bag would suffice, or maybe you could cut a leg off a pair of your finest tracky bottoms and tie a knot in the end. mikew4(277• Sunday, 14 April 2019 ) This is brilliant. Ribbed for .... oh wait. Can’t say that. Anyways. Thanks for the tremendous laugh. And as an ‘uku local I’m hoping I can grow similar in my soil. Wish me luck. Also, good luck for the auction. Great cause. flyingkiwichick(316• 07:48 pm, Sun, 14 Apr ) He actually does look like he has ribs. Probably has a complete spine as well, crooked as it is.... mikew4(277• Sunday, 14 April 2019 ) I have a rain coat in my wallet that might fit him im happy to send it up webby27(185• 08:33 pm, Sun, 14 Apr ) What a generous offer, thank you. With winter fast approaching it's probably a wise thing to have on hand. He's probably feeling a bit cooped up inside the house. mikew4(277• Sunday, 14 April 2019 ) lol:) loved the kumara sutra and 50 ways to love your lever, i'm sure you have handled it well and it is not bruised.....so glad it's not the purple variety ( they have been squeezed too tight and dont perform as well under taste testing ) redcookie(58• 09:08 pm, Sun, 14 Apr ) There was a fireman in Waiuku called Mr Lever. You may need to go and see one of those eye doctors that hold up colour charts and they get you to spot the number amongst the coloured dots. Its definitely the purple variety. The only variety in my opinion. mikew4(277• Sunday, 14 April 2019 ) I notice you've listed this fertile specimen as used. Were you lucky enough to be the first one to get their hands down there to pull this out, or have others had a fondle? Just want to figure out whether I need to ask you to wrap it before I take it kingsja(24• 09:16 pm, Sun, 14 Apr ) I protected that Kumara bed with my life. Not a soul got near it. Except maybe for the cat on the odd occasion because some of the Kumaras I pulled up weren't very fresh. Or Kumaras. mikew4(277• Sunday, 14 April 2019 ) i have just had a "saul on the road to dumbasskiss experience" and seeing this perfect specimen do undeniably believe with all my heart that there really is an omni absent imaginary friend in the sky. the proof is right before us o brothers and sisters" the great curator liveth....thy kumara doth cum and swill begun with mike as it is with Kevin. give us this day our daily red. for thine is the glory....the kumara chip story for Heather and Eva are men redcookie(58• 09:26 pm, Sun, 14 Apr ) Best leave Kevin out of this he's in enough trouble as it is. mikew4(277• Sunday, 14 April 2019 ) Oh my such a handsome boy, one knows he would be quite delicious. Do you think he might like older women who have "gone without" kumara for a while? I'd be willinging to host a dinner party and share him with my friends. There does seem to be enough to go round and we could all have little nibbles. I do feel we could butter him up a bit and he'd be quite a good sport in the kitchen, and outdoors even. Can you ask him please if he likes to party? Thanks Jane PS:Don't tell Daisy and Jonty I asked janedaisyjonty(407• 12:15 am, Mon, 15 Apr ) Oh your household sounds very interesting indeed. Relationships come in many forms and I'm not one to judge. You're not from Awhitu are you? mikew4(277• Monday, 15 April 2019 ) Don't know Awhitu? Let's say I have a view of Kapiti Island. Who knew when one joined TM all those years ago that you can't change your user name without losing your brownie points and that now the kids are adults that we are still all stuck together like glue. The kids are long gone and I fly solo. Might pay more attention to what I dig up in the garden though ... only one reservation about your boy - is he a smooth operator? Looks a little woody, or should that be a lot? Jane janedaisyjonty(407• 01:13 am, Mon, 15 Apr ) Ah.....ok...now makes sense why you don't want Daisy and Jonty to know. mikew4(277• Monday, 15 April 2019 ) hi my girl friend would like to purchase this as hers always gos flat on batteries doz this come with a guarantee that it stays up thank u falcmad351(175• 10:48 am, Mon, 15 Apr ) Your girlfriend has a battery powered Kumara? How intriguing... How long it stays up is entirely dependent on how long you leave it up there. (On the shelf! Get your minds out if the gutter) mikew4(277• Monday, 15 April 2019 ) Any refunds after use :) rx7_rs(93• 01:31 pm, Mon, 15 Apr ) Well that would be heavily dependent on what you are proposing to use it for. Am I confident that it would fulfill the primary function of a Kumara? Yes it definitely would, and some. Secondary functions are outside the scope of warranty. #Disclaimer mikew4(277• Monday, 15 April 2019 ) Oh my life. This made my day yesterday and it still has today! Hate for this auction to end! Your replys are just to Satisfying to the gut... I hope all your auctions are like this one 😂😂😂😂! Soo good to know there's people still living.. hope auction goes well best of luck.. Great cause maliaphp1(1• 03:33 pm, Mon, 15 Apr ) I can assure you that the chances of me running into another blue-blooded gentleman like this one in any garden, any where, any time again in my life is slim to none. This membrum virile is one of a kind. mikew4(277• Monday, 15 April 2019 ) Not only is the kumara wondrous Mike, but also your gift of written language...love it! Good luck with your auction...I have shared it on my Facebook page, hope that is ok? sobol(1307• 08:10 pm, Mon, 15 Apr ) I'm glad you are enjoying, share away to your heart's content. (Unless your facebook page harbors anti-Kumara propaganda and is run by the Pukekohe Potato Growers Association) mikew4(277• Monday, 15 April 2019 ) Thanks for a fantastic and entertaining Q&A....great auction!....that reminds me....i must go and get my yearly PSA test! What is great is that NO POLITICALLY CORRECT POLICE have waded in!!! Good luck! Ken. blackbird21(1762• 08:56 pm, Mon, 15 Apr ) Ah the notoriously difficult Poetry Society of Australasia acceptance test. I wish you all the best it's getting harder to pass every year. mikew4(277• Monday, 15 April 2019 ) He's been a busy boy looking at his off spring. All you men should start eating ya Kumara, If thats for dinner I wonder whats for dessert. bb.boo(114• 10:11 pm, Mon, 15 Apr ) Ah...they are not his offspring, they are his harem and they are very relieved it's over. mikew4(277• Monday, 15 April 2019 ) Seller added 1 photo Seller comment Monday, 15 April 2019 Seller added 1 photo Seller comment Monday, 15 April 2019 He definitely does not appear to be the waxed variety?.. Might even swell on appearance if you tried?! eharvey3(110• 11:24 am, Tue, 16 Apr ) Who even does that honestly??? Surely there has to be better and less painfull maintenance procedures than that. I'd be worried id rip the floor out of it. mikew4(277• Tuesday, 16 April 2019 ) Wasn't there an old medicine man who lived out that way.... mate, get rid of it before you end up with 20 kids. bayfamily1(115• 08:15 pm, Tue, 16 Apr ) Yeah there was but they've now upgraded us to a proper medical centre and it even has a proper roof and no chickens & goats inside. I do miss the goats though. mikew4(277• Tuesday, 16 April 2019 ) Hi.Could I ask you to please remove this auction as my Wife has taken a keen interest in this kumara and I have noticed on our credit card that there is a Hotel booked for 2 in Franklin Auckland the night the auction finishes....once you go Kumara you will never go back to Potato.... superclark(14• 08:47 pm, Tue, 16 Apr ) I think it's something you and your wife just need to work through. She's obviously harboring desires she can't control and who can blame her? I mean look at the guy.... She's probably been too embarrassed to tell you so my advice would be to just go with it. Book a room in the same hotel, get there early and surprise them by hiding in the wardrobe. Maybe wear a funny hockey mask and take a chainsaw or hatchet. You know, just to break the ice. mikew4(277• Tuesday, 16 April 2019 ) I heard that Kumara don't like cold mornings... one good frost and they go a bit slimy... have you had any of that kind of trouble?? phil1814(351• 11:05 pm, Tue, 16 Apr ) It was grown in Waiuku. Now I don't know if you know much about Waiuku but it's pretty much as close as you will get to paradise on earth. It's residents are beautifully tanned pinnacles of health and vitality and this can be directly contributed to being bathed in the glorious warmth of clear skys and endless sunshine. It wont last forever though. As the White Walkers armies of Auckland continue to advance on our borders, along with them will come an endless winter and our soils will sour. mikew4(277• Tuesday, 16 April 2019 ) Do you except trade ins? If I win the the auction I have a slightly older kumara that I would be willing to trade in for a reduced price on this one. Have a think about it, I'm sure we could come up with something. bnl2(22• 12:35 am, Wed, 17 Apr ) Ok I've had a long look at the second hand Kumara market and I'd have to say it's a little volatile at the moment. There's a broad spectrum of market entry points and not a lot of total sales. I think getting into the market will be a lot easier than getting out so for that reason I'm going to have to thank you & decline your offer. mikew4(277• Wednesday, 17 April 2019 ) Now i know where the phrase...go suck a kumra came from..well done and a good cause too tip my hat to you..:-) piratebiker666(41• 08:29 am, Wed, 17 Apr ) Ah such a versatile turn of phrase. A bit like "bugger". "Go suck a Kumara!" -The directive phrase. "Suck..A..Kumera!!" - The expletive phrase. "Where's your car?" "It sucked a Kumara" -The adjective phrase. mikew4(277• Wednesday, 17 April 2019 ) Say I win the auction Is there any STD I should know about? cup_of_coffee(0• 10:21 am, Wed, 17 Apr ) Well that really depends on who you've been seeing leading up to the close of the auction. It's often a tricky subject to bring up though especially with new partners. "Hey" "Hey how's it" "Yeah good can't complain." "Cool.....got any STD'S?" "Nope" "Cool." mikew4(277• Wednesday, 17 April 2019 ) If I eat this, will it still love me in the morning? millicraft(311• 02:30 pm, Wed, 17 Apr ) I think Milli you need to start refering to your partner by name. Especially in a public forum. No wonder you're wondering if they still love you if you refer to them as "it". mikew4(277• Wednesday, 17 April 2019 ) So, this is a root vegetable? wlw1980(59• 05:33 pm, Wed, 17 Apr ) Ah I see what you did there. You humourously incinuated the fact that it's a root, and the fact that it's a vegetable and then alluded to sexual coupling, made relevant by the Kumaras' likeness to a certain appendage used in the act of coupling. Too clever. mikew4(277• Wednesday, 17 April 2019 ) As a vet Nurse, I feel obliged to tell you that as a responsible breeder, you should consider castration before placing him in his forever home. pet-supplies(3697• 08:25 pm, Wed, 17 Apr ) What method do you recommend? I'm not spending any more on this guy so if we're doing this its going to have to be DIY. mikew4(277• Wednesday, 17 April 2019 ) As a Far Northener I can understand the rampaging hordes are to be kept baying (Hawkes Bay-ing & Bay-ing of Plenty) We must keep them feeling secure and not be placing such temptations as your Wonderous Willy in such clear view.... suggestions of such magnitude will bring them near.... speak in whispers my friend.... cloud is building and chill winds bloweth..... may you find your coffers full and your inbox empty. phil1814(351• 08:51 pm, Wed, 17 Apr ) Phil you seem really wise. Are you a wizard? Like that guy on Vikings with no eyes who lives in a house made of sticks and sleeps on a pile of dirt. It's really poorly insulated I'd say if he's going to rent it out he's got a lot of remedial work to do. mikew4(277• Wednesday, 17 April 2019 )